Running, Day 1

Last night I had a conversation with two friends who are both on a similar journey. Our common goal is a 5K, but we are all in different places. Kendall said last night she has "finally" been consistent...for four weeks she has been "running" and is finally feeling like she's no longer at square one. Michelle is further along. She has been more serious about this running thing for longer than Kendall or I. But all three of us have a long way to go. Both girls encouraged me last night to get serious about my life long goal of trying to run a 5K. It seems an impossible goal, thus, "the mountain."

In my heart, though, there is the slightest of confidence that I really can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! (Philippians 4:13)

So, today I began my journey.

I went to Kohls and bought good running pants, a top, a good support bra, a runners sweater/jacket...and a watch I could sweat in and not itch. It was a pricey stop. But, as I put the new clothes on when I got home and set about actually strapping Buster to his leash and leaving my front porch, I felt great.

I am following the "couch potato to 5k" plan. At least for today. I thought it appropriate, since I am a couch potato to the very core. The plan is basic: start with a brisk 5 minute walk, then run 1 minute, and walk 90 seconds 6 times. It should only take 20 minutes.

The plan doesn't account for Buster who is the always-intrigued walking partner. For the first 10 minutes I only walked him at our "usual" casual pace. He did some business, and re-learned (once again) how to walk close to me and not pull.

I then put on some favorite tunes and did as best as I could. I found, today, that I could only "run" 4 of the 6 times. (I do use the term "run" lightly because in most circles what I was doing might hardly be considered a jog.) But, as my whole time out was 45 minutes, I am still proud. I am horrible at guesstimating distances, so I have no clue how far we walked. But, seeing as how most of the walk was at least "brisk," I'd say we did well for our first time out.

I am fearful of this journey, but I do not want to be.

* I am fearful because I am fat. That is not a put down. Nor is it an over-statement. I have a large body, I am carrying a LOT of extra body weight, and by all accounts and practices, I am indeed fat. This scares me to start a running program. I feel like somehow I should try to get in shape before I do some running so that people won't judge me as I "run." That may be a silly thought to some, but it is my honest thinking. If I was cuter in my running clothes, maybe I wouldn't be so afraid to walk out the door.

* But, it is not just my looks. I am fearful because I have such a long way to go. It is no small thing to go from being practically "inactive," to being healthy enough to run a 5k. I've never even successfully run a mile. How pathetic is that? There is a huge part of my mind and heart who do not believe I have what it takes. This is a problem. Not only am I fighting my body, but I am fighting my thinking. I am fearful that I will let myself down, yet again. Which brings me to my next point:

* I am fearful because I have tried this before, and failed. My sister and I like to encourage each other by saying, no matter how good a workout, or how long it lasts, at least you did something. Something is better than nothing. That is true. But, what scares me, is how likely (according to my history with such things) it is that I will give up when it gets hard. The old saying says, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." I want this to be true for my life now. But, in the past it has not been true. So, how do I change?

I am scared. I have a lot to consider, and I am not taking it lightly. I want to be honest, at least with myself, about the things I am thinking, feeling, and facing in this journey. I am not disappointed in myself that I am afraid. I am afraid.

But, I am also hopeful.

*I am hopeful that I can overcome the great "mountain" ahead of me: a lifetime of bad habits, too much body weight, and deeply rooted insecurities.

*I am hopeful that one year from now I can look at my body in the mirror and not cringe at the sight.

*I am hopeful that by making this commitment, and changing the way I do some things, I can actually be proud of my accomplishments.

And, I am reminded that I am not on this journey alone. Not only are there friends like Kendall and Michelle who are attempting this great feat in their own life as well - there is also my Savior. I was reminded today of the verse that says "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20). I guess, for today, I am claiming that verse for this journey.

I am not alone. My Savior walks beside me. I felt Him as I prayed for strength before I began. I praised His name with every step I took. And, now I rest knowing that my Heavenly Father is also proud of me for this decision. Maybe in this area of my life I can finally start treating my body with respect and care. I believe this honors my Master, and that brings much joy to the deepest places of my heart.

I pray tomorrow I will have the grace, faith, strength, and courage to remember my goal and continue my journey.