Frustrating

I had some extra time last night. 3 hours, to be exact, from "work time" to "small group" time. I decided to head to the pool to get in a "good workout." Not only was I late in leaving my desk (by over 30 minutes), but the pool was beyond packed when I arrived. I waited over 20 minutes just to get in, and by that time was so discouraged I did not have the willpower necessary to push through my initial sluggish swimming. Usually, if I can get past the initial 10-15 laps, I start to feel excited and refreshed, and catch a second wind. It never came last night.

It is frustrating, isn't it, to set about something and have your plans thwarted. I do feel good about the fact that I still went to the gym and did something, but I would be lying if I didn't confess how frustrated I am that I did not accomplish more. I could have swam an additional 20 minutes at least, but was so frustrated at my own frustration at that point that I just gave up. I swam somewhere near 750 meters. I guess that is a "good" short swim. I had wanted to try and accomplish 2,000 meters.

I suppose conquering 1/3 of my goal is better than none at all. I guess I just wish it had been different. Part of me thinks I'll head to the gym late tonight to give it another try. The other, louder, part in my head mocks that thought. We'll see which one wins after I make it through this marathon of a day.

A Small Success (run day 4)

Today, I would just like to say, I actually ran all 6 minutes. I know for most in the world, running 6 minutes is no big thing. For me, it is a huge deal. Buster is a handful, the weather is cold, I am tired, my knees and back ache - and there were a million other reasons I could have easily convinced myself I should take the night off.

Instead, today, I ran 6 minutes. 6.5 actually, because my first minute ran long. I feel great. I did finally figure out why my back is so sore - Buster keeps pulling on his leash. We will conquer that, too.

I am just thankful I actually went and "ran" today.

Maybe someday soon I'll be brave enough to lose the quotation marks because my "running" will have become running - legit style.

At Least I Ran! (#3)

I'm on "vacation" today. It's not really an exciting event, just an extra day off I took before the end of the church year so that I wouldn't lose the day. I wound up working 1/2 of it. So goes a day in the life of a single minister. I was all excited to go for a swim this afternoon, and was actually really looking forward to it...but saw the gorgeous and clear Oregon sky...I had to get out.

I put on my jogging clothes and got Buster attached to his leash, and off we went. The first 1/2 went well - except I keep having to fight Buster pulling on my arm. The Dog Whisperer would not be impressed. 1/2 way through, though, I was ready to just be done.

I pushed myself to either 5 or 6 "running" sprints. I lost count, but - at least I did them!

I really wonder what my problem is. Yes, my back hurts - it's called having no core stomach muscles strong enough to counterbalance the weight. Yes, my knees hurt - it's called being so overweight each one of my ligaments has been doing overtime for over 2 decades! Yes, I run funny - it's called being so out of shape I look like I should be a contestant on the Biggest Loser.

None of those things are more difficult than fighting the negative thoughts in my brain: "Aimee, you can't do this. You'll never be able to do this. Just give up!" I do not know how I am going to fight off these dangerous thoughts. If they don't subside, I know I will eventually give into them. That is why I am writing these thoughts blog-style. So that, at least, I can hold myself accountable to being faithful in this journey.

Hey, at least today I ran. I might have looked more than a little stupid doing so, but at least I did it. I may not have done it well, and certainly not to perfection - but I did it.

And, today, that is something to be proud of!

I DID IT...sort of!!!

I can't say I did it perfectly, nor can I say I did it well. I'm not even certain I did my best. But, I did go and run today. Buster and I were gone for 30 minutes, and it took all my strength to get up out of my comfy chair I was reading in to put on my running clothes and get out into the chilly afternoon.

I could not be happier that I did.

Not only does my head feel clearer - which is a blessing! - but, also, I feel more awake and alive. We got the blood pumping good today. I am a little bummed - I only did 5 of the 6 run/walk sessions. But, maybe on Wednesday I can say I did all 6. Regardless, it was 5 more than I wanted to do an hour ago.

I think my pep talk to myself earlier helped. My choices are my own. So, if I come home and do something productive, that's on me. Likewise, if I come home and waste the night away, that's on me too. Tonight, at least, I can say I made a good choice. One good choice out of the plethora of potential negatives.

It is a step in the right direction.

Already Ready to Give Up

In about an hour from now I will be leaving my office and heading home for the evening. It is a rare night indeed that I find myself with some freetime. Usually, it is under stress and strain I head home, always to the next "something" there is to do.

For me, though, tonight is free. And that is a gift. Hidden in this blessing, however, is somewhat of a curse.

In theory this should be my second day running. In actuality, I am writing this post in order to jump-start my head into committing to that action. I am tired today - more tired than I remember being in a long time. I hear weariness is most directly confronted by engaging in physical activity. That alone should be incentive enough to get home and get going.

But, there are also other thoughts fighting for first place in my head. For instance, I am currently so tired, maybe it would be better to go home and nap. (I know this is not true, because if I were to go home and nap, it will throw the rest of my schedule out of whack.) I have also rediscovered a deeply rooted love of getting enraptured by a favorite novel. Thoughts of heading home to run do not come close to being as exciting a thought as laying on my couch and beginning a new journey in a fictitious world that holds my heart.

So, here's my thinking: if I continue to weigh this in my head, I will give up. Enough talk. Enough decision-making. Let's call the decision made. Do I want to change the bad habits I've wrestled with since childhood? Yes. Do I want to lose weight and get healthier? Yes. Do I want to lay my head down on my pillow tonight and have a definite something for which I am proud of myself? Yes.

Ok, then...none of those things can happen if I go home and stay lazy. I must get up and move. I must make the changes I want for my life. No one else can or will do it for me.

And, so, today I am telling this mountain to move by choosing to run, even though it is the last thing I want to do in this moment. May I have the grace, faith, strength, and courage to follow through with this decision when I am actually home an hour from now. Amen.

Running, Day 1

Last night I had a conversation with two friends who are both on a similar journey. Our common goal is a 5K, but we are all in different places. Kendall said last night she has "finally" been consistent...for four weeks she has been "running" and is finally feeling like she's no longer at square one. Michelle is further along. She has been more serious about this running thing for longer than Kendall or I. But all three of us have a long way to go. Both girls encouraged me last night to get serious about my life long goal of trying to run a 5K. It seems an impossible goal, thus, "the mountain."

In my heart, though, there is the slightest of confidence that I really can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! (Philippians 4:13)

So, today I began my journey.

I went to Kohls and bought good running pants, a top, a good support bra, a runners sweater/jacket...and a watch I could sweat in and not itch. It was a pricey stop. But, as I put the new clothes on when I got home and set about actually strapping Buster to his leash and leaving my front porch, I felt great.

I am following the "couch potato to 5k" plan. At least for today. I thought it appropriate, since I am a couch potato to the very core. The plan is basic: start with a brisk 5 minute walk, then run 1 minute, and walk 90 seconds 6 times. It should only take 20 minutes.

The plan doesn't account for Buster who is the always-intrigued walking partner. For the first 10 minutes I only walked him at our "usual" casual pace. He did some business, and re-learned (once again) how to walk close to me and not pull.

I then put on some favorite tunes and did as best as I could. I found, today, that I could only "run" 4 of the 6 times. (I do use the term "run" lightly because in most circles what I was doing might hardly be considered a jog.) But, as my whole time out was 45 minutes, I am still proud. I am horrible at guesstimating distances, so I have no clue how far we walked. But, seeing as how most of the walk was at least "brisk," I'd say we did well for our first time out.

I am fearful of this journey, but I do not want to be.

* I am fearful because I am fat. That is not a put down. Nor is it an over-statement. I have a large body, I am carrying a LOT of extra body weight, and by all accounts and practices, I am indeed fat. This scares me to start a running program. I feel like somehow I should try to get in shape before I do some running so that people won't judge me as I "run." That may be a silly thought to some, but it is my honest thinking. If I was cuter in my running clothes, maybe I wouldn't be so afraid to walk out the door.

* But, it is not just my looks. I am fearful because I have such a long way to go. It is no small thing to go from being practically "inactive," to being healthy enough to run a 5k. I've never even successfully run a mile. How pathetic is that? There is a huge part of my mind and heart who do not believe I have what it takes. This is a problem. Not only am I fighting my body, but I am fighting my thinking. I am fearful that I will let myself down, yet again. Which brings me to my next point:

* I am fearful because I have tried this before, and failed. My sister and I like to encourage each other by saying, no matter how good a workout, or how long it lasts, at least you did something. Something is better than nothing. That is true. But, what scares me, is how likely (according to my history with such things) it is that I will give up when it gets hard. The old saying says, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." I want this to be true for my life now. But, in the past it has not been true. So, how do I change?

I am scared. I have a lot to consider, and I am not taking it lightly. I want to be honest, at least with myself, about the things I am thinking, feeling, and facing in this journey. I am not disappointed in myself that I am afraid. I am afraid.

But, I am also hopeful.

*I am hopeful that I can overcome the great "mountain" ahead of me: a lifetime of bad habits, too much body weight, and deeply rooted insecurities.

*I am hopeful that one year from now I can look at my body in the mirror and not cringe at the sight.

*I am hopeful that by making this commitment, and changing the way I do some things, I can actually be proud of my accomplishments.

And, I am reminded that I am not on this journey alone. Not only are there friends like Kendall and Michelle who are attempting this great feat in their own life as well - there is also my Savior. I was reminded today of the verse that says "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20). I guess, for today, I am claiming that verse for this journey.

I am not alone. My Savior walks beside me. I felt Him as I prayed for strength before I began. I praised His name with every step I took. And, now I rest knowing that my Heavenly Father is also proud of me for this decision. Maybe in this area of my life I can finally start treating my body with respect and care. I believe this honors my Master, and that brings much joy to the deepest places of my heart.

I pray tomorrow I will have the grace, faith, strength, and courage to remember my goal and continue my journey.